Regression.

Two steps forward, one step back. Or so they say.

Thanks to my brilliant idea of stopping the Abilify, I sent myself into a regression. On Saturday I was supposed to make a movie with my friends. Didn't happen. I couldn't do it. I was frozen, held back by my anxieties. I'm not even sure what I was anxious about. I didn't go to Valleyfair with them, either. I did get to go to a movie with Ross instead, which was nice, but later that night I began to feel bad again.

It's this feeling like I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay in. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be with others. This is the only way I can put this emotion into words. In fact, I don't even know if there's a name for it. There probably is but my vocabulary isn't that spectacular. Either way, it's a horrible feeling.

Group therapy helped me a lot today. It brought up a lot of difficult emotions but at the same time the release was much needed. The fact that others have been there is incredibly supportive as well. I realized today that I might be on these meds for years, if not for the rest of my life. But that's okay. It means that my problems are not stemming from a flaw within my personality or my situation but within my brain chemistry itself. That's something I'm not able to change through action alone and if I need meds to function in this high-stress world, so be it.

I may have taken a step backwards, but I think I can keep pushing forwards. Not that I have any other option, really. All I can do now is my best, I suppose.