Emotions.

Like in-laws who stop by your house every year on their way back from Arizona, my emotions are back. Not to say that I was feeling empty these past couple weeks but I was much more content. I’m feeling sad because I couldn’t see Alicia, my roommate in the dorms for the past nine months, before she left to go back to Sioux Falls. I’m feeling stressed because of my jpop test tomorrow. I’m feeling anxious because of my Japanese homework that I haven’t finished like I was supposed to. I had to e-mail my professors again to ask for another extension. It’s very frustrating because I’ve had the time but when I do study I feel like I’m not absorbing anything. As I told my professor in my e-mail, I really do want to learn. I love Japanese, so of course this isn’t a matter of laziness. It’s a matter of physically having a hard time with it.

Things are getting better, though. I’m learning to become more organized and to keep myself calm. I nearly started crying in the hallway at Folwell while I was studying after I found out I wouldn’t get to see Alicia. I made myself go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. I made myself lie down on the grass beneath a tree and breathe in the fresh air. I made myself close my eyes for a moment and listen to the music flowing through my headphones.

It isn’t easy faking positive thoughts. Sometimes you have to be realistic, no matter how much your therapists tell you to sugarcoat your life. I know they mean well, but in this case I am not ready to take this test yet and I need to rest so this weekend I can truly prepare.

In the meantime, I need a nap.